Listen, and Be Dynamic

Lately, some friends of mine had a discussion on the value of making goals. This gave way to a sort of argument of whether it's more important to set goals and have discipline in your life, or to be open and malleable.

In order to be as annoying as possible to those involved, I've decided to take both sides and make it a goal of mine to be more open and malleable. There are some synonyms that ring a little more for me, so I call this listening and being dynamic.

So, my biggest goal for 2019 is to listen, and be dynamic.

Listen

Some of the best moments in life are the ones that surprise us. Meeting a person that makes you think differently, finding a new passion that you had never considered and laughing (you can't laugh if you're not surprised; if you don't believe me, try it) are all examples. In order to be surprised, though, you need to be willing to be surprised. This requires listening (both figuratively and literally), and being open to being wrong, since if you know everything, then by definition you can't be surprised.

When we listen to others without agenda, we are allowing them to influence us, to change us and surprise us. In a way, this is a very humble thing to do. It is an act of submission, and it's part of the reason of why it is so damn hard to listen well. The corollary to this is that if you are never changed or surprised, then you probably aren't listening.

This is a real challenge for me. Reader (you know who you are) of this blog will know that I can be task oriented. I walk into a lot of conversations with an agenda, either to learn something, or even worse, to show that I already know something.

I have also been focusing on having more discipline and building good habits. But if you plan out your entire life, and are never surprised, it probably won't be very enjoyable. We need enough discipline to carry out the ideas that seize us and that seem worthwhile, but we also need space and openness to be "seized".

Be Dynamic

Falling into routine is often portrayed as a negative thing, but routine can be good. To accomplish anything of difficulty, you need consistency. You can't become a virtuoso pianist by practicing only when the mood strikes you, and you can't become a doctor by only studying the the subjects that excite you. But routine can also lead to a sort of "autopilot" mindset, where you only do the things that are easy and familiar and you avoid anything new and intimidating.

I like to picture this as a spectrum ranging between pure routine and pure spontaneity. If you're entire life is spontaneous, you will experience many diverse things, but you will miss out on some of the deeper pleasures in life, which require time and devotion, like admiring your well-tended garden. C.S. Lewis explains this phenomenon best in Mere Christianity:

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on "being in love" for ever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change—not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there.  

Does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and becomes a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.

The "settling down to sober interest" that C.S. Lewis mentions requires a balance between routine and spontaneity. If you don't have routine, you won't settle down and sober up, and if you don't have spontaneity, you won't find the interest. After all, the pilot didn't expect to discover music when he set out to fly.

Like many things in life, a balance is required. Mine has tipped towards the routine end of the spectrum lately. I've established a routine that's become very familiar and is productive for a few established things like focusing at work, exercising and cooking at home. Sometimes it feels like a train on a single track - I'm definitely traveling somewhere, but it's hard to take a turn when I see something something interesting and worthwhile.

I don't claim to know what the "right" balance is, but there are some small techniques I've been using to try and be more dynamic.

The 6 Week Rule

I recently tried a 6 week bulking program as a way to get stronger and to avoid spending the winter running on the treadmill. I found 6 weeks to be the perfect timeframe for trying something new. It requires a lot of discipline to do something for 6 weeks, but at the end, you are forced to listen to and reflect on your experiences, and you are forced to find something new.

6 weeks isn't a terribly long time. If you try something and hate it, then you can't say it was a great shame. You can spread out what would be a very intense project into manageable pieces (the bulking program only required 3 hours per week). But it also is long enough to accomplish something of value. In 6 weeks, you could put on a lot of muscle, build an entire web application, learn how to read music or learn to knit.

So if you are like me, and you struggle with the balance between routine and spontaneity, then commit yourself to something new for 6 weeks, give it your best and listen to what the experience  tells you.

What Would Make Today Great?

I listened to a podcast once that recommended writing in a journal each morning 1 or 2 things that would "make today great". I'm usually not a fan of these sort of things. I'd imagine it's something you'd find in a book entitled "7 steps to success!!".

However, there is something really practical about this exercise. If you write down a short list of all the things that would make your day great, and none of them are included in your daily routine, then you probably aren't being very dynamic. Usually, when I write this down, exercising is on the list. For me, any version of a great day involves at least some time devoted to being active. On the other hand, watching re-runs of Friends is never on the list, but it sure has become a large part of my daily routine.

My business school teachers would tell me that my goal to Listen, and Be Dynamic is not very S.M.A.R.T (Specific, Relevant, Achievable, Measurable, Time-Bound), but I'm starting to learn from my friends that we don't achieve much happiness or purpose by accomplishing our goals, but we do in choosing them and pursuing them.

Smile

I learned a great lesson from my wife the other day. It's not the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

She has worked in various service roles over the years, both as a customer service representative and as a store / site manager, and she has a real eye for these things. We were waiting in line at a lab, and all of the employees were miserable. They seemed to hate their jobs, and the customers seemed to hate being there as well. Not a smile in the room.

In these situations, it's difficult to tell where the problem starts. Were all the customers so rude that the employees started hating their jobs, or are the employees so rude that the customers hate being there? It's a chicken and egg paradox, but the thing that is certain is that each side feeds off the other. One side's discontent feeds the other's and vice versa. It's a vicious circle.

But my wife has this great trick - she smiles anyways. She is really nice even if the person on the other side of the transaction is rude and clearly not having it. She asks them how their day is going. She finds pleasant conversation. She sympathizes with their situation when it's appropriate. There isn't always a response, but many times - possibly most times - there's an overwhelming and positive change. The vicious cycle is replaced with a virtuous one, where everyone is pleasant and helpful.

Just a couple weeks after I learned this lesson, I had the chance to put it into practice myself. I had a routine doctor's appointment at a practice with terrible reviews. When you read the comments online, the doctor himself is generally praised but practically every review refers to the support staff as either rude, unprofessional, impatient or disrespectful.

From the moment I walked into the office, the reviews were confirmed. The staff did not smile at all, they were short with all of the customers and acted talked like a kindergarten teacher would towards a kid in timeout.

But I tried my wife's trick. I smiled. I said "good morning!" to everyone. I asked them how their day was going. I commented that they must be bored of listening to the same 10 songs that the Christmas channel plays. And you know what? They were really nice! The same people that were universally derided in the online reviews smiled, helped me through the forms and even went out of their way to give me some suggestions on how to best handle the insurance transactions. They were a joy to work with. 

Sometimes, when you browse reviews on sites like Yelp and Trip Advisor, you'll realize that there's a subset of the population that go to restaurants, bars, gyms, and all kinds of institutions looking for a fight. They usually find it. They have haughty expectations and harbor suspicions of subpar service that they'd like to have confirmed. We all like to feel outraged on some level, because it usually comes with another feeling that can feel very good - vindication. If you look for vindication, and you harbor suspicions that others want to wrong you, then you may find that you have a knack for finding exactly that.

But the opposite can also be true. You can look for the good in others¹, and you know what, you may find that too. So, smile more. It could just be that after I left that doctors office, the staff members were nicer to the next customer, and that she was nicer to the waiter at dinner, who was in turn nicer to the people at the table next to her. It may be the thing you do each day that has the biggest impact on the world as a whole, and it doesn't cost anything. 

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1 In the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, his son's eulogy had this great line. He said "He [George H.W. Bush] looked for the good in each person, and he usually found it". ^↩

Work Rules

Habits are hard to change once they are formed. This is something I think about often at work, where all of us are susceptible to the worst habits, from surfing the web, to slouching at the desk, and communicating poorly in various ways.

Our standards at work tend to degrade over time. You wear the button up shirt with the new pants on the first day, but by the end of the first month, you're wearing that old polo with the pizza sauce stain.

I have found, though, that when you start in a new work environment, there's a blank slate. Everything can seem so new that all of your old habits are able to be rewired with relatively little effort. This is both good and bad, because you could also have habits worth keeping, like getting in early.

Over time, I've become increasingly conscious of my bad habits, as well as the good habits I admire in others. Each time I start in a new environment, I take that time to reinforce the behaviors I've come to desire. In its latest iteration, I've written down a list of "work rules" that I check each day. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Sit up straight
2. Don't check your phone
3. Don't check personal email
4. Communicate well
5. Dress well, be prepared
6. Listen more than you talk
7. Don't pretend to know something you don't
8. Check email sparsely
9. Be honest
10. Be decisive
11. Don't be envious of others

Numbers 4, 5, 6, 7, 9 and 10 fall into the category of things I admire in others that I lack. When I think about the best leaders I've known, both in the workplace and in my personal life, they all are decisive, listen more than they talk and never pretend to know things they don't.

The other rules fall into the more pessimistic category of inner demons I need to battle.

So far, this list has worked pretty well for me, but I'm only on week two. I have to expect that these will slip over time, since past performance in the best indicator for the future. But my plan for combatting the inevitable is to spend (roughly) a minute each day reading the rules and reflecting on them.

If this seems corny, keep this in mind: a large part of our identity as viewed by others is made up of the habits we form, whether consciously or not. Whatever we can do to reinforce the behaviors that we believe in, the more we determine our own identity.

The Infinite Scroll

Although a week and a half late, I've decided today that I am giving up scrolling through my phone for Lent. I sort of promised this to myself on Ash Wednesday, but failed quickly because I hadn't put any specific rules in place. So let's be specific - here's some behavior that needs to stop:

• Flipping through news sites like CNN, Washington Post, Fox News to check headlines when the day's news doesn't really affect me, and the news that does affect me would have been told to me by someone else anyways. 
• Reading articles about politics, technology and sports just because I can't think of anything more productive to do at that moment, or worse, precisely because I know of something more productive I should be doing.
• Checking my email on my phone, not because I'm expecting something specific, but because of a vague sense of anticipation.
• Watching youtube videos like SNL skits, funny clips, etc. for light entertainment.
• Scrolling through my facebook newsfeed to see what other people are doing.

In fact, there isn't a need to do any of these things on my phone, even if I considered them to be productive habits. For example, if I wanted to answer emails and clean up my inbox, I could take out my computer and do that more efficiently. Using my phone is just a lazier, more passive, way that leads to other distractions.

When we let our phones control our actions implicitly, we lose much more than just the time wasted. Humans are not great multitaskers, and switching context is an expensive action. Every time you change the context of what you are doing, you lose focus. Have you ever noticed that a 30 minute task (let's say writing an email) takes an hour and a half with just a few small distractions? This is because it can take substantial energy to find your place in that email and regain your train of thought.

There is something else too, that I've been trying to put my finger on. When I'm scrolling through my phone, I tend to switch context so often that nothing get's resolved. After half an hour or so, I usually end up with some half read emails and other uncompleted tasks. It's like a garbage build up. In my mind there is this building sense of things left undone, and as time passes, it just becomes a vague anxiety that seeps into everything I do. It's subtle, and it sometimes takes me days to sense it, but when I do, I realize how much these distractions are affecting my confidence and well being. 

So what are some safe things to do on the phone? I'd say maps, weather, texting, calling and taking notes are safe. These are all actions that are done with purpose and are generally completed without straying. When I look up directions for going to a friend's house, I don't find myself scrolling through a map of the USA for 20 minutes. I get the directions and I go. When I want to call my Mom, I don't suddenly have the itch to call my whole family too...

I'm going to keep using these, and I will keep my smartphone with me. But I'm going to shut off WIFI and cell data to my email and my browser - that way, I'm faced with the conscious choice to abandon my lenten promise if I ever have the itch to scroll. 

2018 Goals

2017 was the most eventful year of my life so far. I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years and married her(!!), took a 2 week honeymoon to southern Italy, graduated with a masters in Applied Mathematics, paid off all school and car debt, moved out of my parents’ house and left my job of 4 years to start a career in Software Development.

In a dramatic change, I hit almost all of my 2017 goals. I have a habit of being way too ambitious with my goals, so I sort of dialed it back last year. The one exception will be obvious to readers of this blog - I failed to write!

Per tradition, Greg’s goals can be found here. Mine follow below.

Write

Essays, technical documents, personal notes, anything really. I find writing to be very difficult, mostly because everything I write tends to sound really stupid initially, and only less stupid once I publish. But I also consider it important as it’s the best (and maybe only way) to formalize thinking.

Get Finances in Order

Being recently married means that the whole money thing has become much more real all of the sudden. Now is the time for me to understand how to work towards financial security for my family, especially before the hustle and bustle of kids comes along. This means finally understanding investment, 401Ks, taxes, etc.

Stay In Shape

I often put down lofty fitness goals. This year, I just want to make sure I don’t fall off the wagon, so I am going to set my goal at an average of 4 workouts per week. I expect I will do some races, and I kind of want to learn to swim, but for now the important thing is to stay active.

Learn Piano

I have this on my goals every year. It may seem trivial, but I think it’s important for a few reasons:

• Music can keep you sharp mentally, and it’s something you can do into old age
• You can pass it along to children
• There is a lot of beautiful music, and playing is a new way to enjoy it

Unfortunately, I tend to fail at this goal miserably. In the long run, I want to be able to play many of my favorite classical pieces. It’s less clear what to do in the short run. In past years, I have focused on learning to play a certain number of songs within a year, but without the necessary foundations, each song took me way too long to learn.

I’ve resigned myself to two conclusions - I need to learn to sight read, and I won’t be able to do that on my own. Last year, I started lessons with an instructor for 30 minutes every two weeks. Progress has been slow, but incremental. I’m hoping it’s like math - if I master basic arithmetic now, then I’ll be doing calculus in a few years.

Learn about Technology

Let’s face it. Technology is taking over every segment of our lives. Although it can be a force for good, that’s often not the case. Sometimes, when I’m overwhelmed by the pace of change in the world, I wish it was possible to just look away and plead ignorance. Unfortunately, the pervasiveness of technology makes this risky, especially for those in a technical profession. It’s important to understand and control this force rather than the alternative. There are many ways to do this, and the level of rigor required differs based on the individual. Most people can get away with understanding the basic risks of technology and being scrupulous in their choice of tools, but I probably need to embrace a deeper relationship at this point.

There are three areas I’d like to address:

1. Learn about core technology. For me, this means a more fundamental understanding of computers, cybersecurity and the internet. I think the best way to learn something new is to employ a combination of action and reflection (I’m hoping to write more on this later), so here are some of the “actions” I’m considering this year in order of importance:
• Launch my own web app
• Contribute to open source
• Do a kaggle competition
• Make something cool with a RapsberryPi
2. Reflect more on my relationship with technology. Hopefully this manifests itself in some new blog posts.
3. Reduce mindless screen time. Right now, I watch too much TV out of laziness, and I unconsciously scroll through my phone out of anxiousness. Both can be bad habits, which, as they grow, can have increasing control over moods and actions.

Be Present

Last year really taught me the importance of spending quality time with others. Too often, I find myself distracted or anxious in social situations. I need to calm down and learn to listen and enjoy company without agenda. Part of the problem is that I’ve always been a daydreamer, and find it easier to observe rather than “participate”. I have been doing better over the last few years but have a long way to go.

2017 Goals

It has become an annual tradition for me and a couple close friends to write and share each other’s goals for the year. For Greg and Maureen’s awesome posts, please go here and here respectively.

Without further adieu, here are my goals for 2017.

Get Married

I recently got engaged to my girlfriend Em. We have been dating for 2 ½ years and we are looking forward to starting a life together. In the legal sense, this is a trivial goal that does not require more than a couple hours of planning. But I put it here for two reasons:

(1) I’d like to remind myself constantly to take the engagement process seriously. The vows we are going to make are important, and I plan to take the time to reflect and prepare. Since we will be getting married in the Catholic church, we will be taking marriage prep class, which I genuinely hope is worth the time. Also, there is a tendency in modern day to have the discerning process end at engagement, when really that should be the beginning.

(2) I have seen enough weddings to know that this is a rare time in life in which the bride and groom will have the most interaction with all their family and friends. I’d like to take full advantage of that and enjoy those moments.

Move Out

If you asked me at the beginning of 2016 if I would be living with my parents by the end of the year, I most likely would have said no. But I made that decision this fall, and have been very happy since. With that said, it was always meant to be a temporary arrangement and every person needs to leave their parents house at some point. I’m not sure if we will buy or rent, but either would be a big enough process to be included here.

Graduate

3 ½ years ago, I decided to take on a sort of crazy adventure by pursuing a graduate degree in applied and computational mathematics. It has been stressful, rewarding, disappointing, not what I expected, exactly what I expected, and much more. This spring, I have one more course to take. If I pass it, I graduate.

Take Piano Lessons

Each year, I put some version of “learn to play the piano” on my goals, and each year I fail miserably. What I seem to lack most is the discipline to set aside the time and practice regularly. So this year, I’m going to call in the cavalry and get some lessons. Note that the goal implies more than one lesson, and so that’s what I will use to measure myself.

Improve Coding Skills

My eventual goal for coding is to be able to freelance on the side, but I have a long way to go. I already have knowledge of Python, Bash, R and SQL. This year, I’d like to learn more about operating systems and hardware in general, as well as learn some front end development with CSS, HTML, Javascript, Ruby on Rails, etc.

Write

This is my second post on the blog this year, so I am off to a good start. I always have a lot of drafts hanging around that are never perfect, so I’m going to force myself to publish a little more this year. I figure it’s better to publish and learn from feedback than to be a hoarder of half-finished essays.

Eat Out Less

I waste too much money on eating out, especially at work. My new simple goal / rule is to only buy a meal at work once each week. This gets really challenging when life is busy, but I’m going to do my best.

A Novice's Guide to Classical Music

This is a short post intended for those that think classical music is outdated and irrelevant, or that struggle to find the appeal. I do not claim to be any expert on the subject. On the contrary, I am writing this post because I never envisioned myself listening to classical music or attending concerts, but I have spent a lot of time doing both these past few years.

Despite my new interest, I still find many “great” composers to be inaccessible and challenging. Maybe other listeners have more patience, but I have fallen into my own journey through short, beautiful pieces - the type of music that would draw the attention of anyone. As a guide for those interested in exploring, I wanted to list the most immediately compelling pieces I have encountered. Unlike catchy hits on the radio, these will stick with you for years.

There is a good deal of confusion surrounding what is considered “good music”, especially when it involves something that isn’t contemporary. There are those that would try to make you feel guilty for the things you like and belittle you for not recognizing something they see as a superior work of art. (I must admit that I have been on the wrong side of this before.) I will simply say this: continue to listen to things that interest you, be sure to leave your comfort zone occasionally, and as in all things, the greatest pleasure comes only after great work. What you tend to like first will almost certainly not be the thing you like most, but it’s important to start somewhere.

Before proceeding to the list, here are some quick guides I have found helpful for finding new pieces: If you want to try orchestral music, start with Beethoven. His brilliant use of altered repetition makes his 9 symphonies and 5 piano concertos instantly likeable. For solo piano works, try Chopin’s Nocturnes, Ballades and Impromptus. When in doubt, pull up Bach’s shorter pieces for solo violin and keyboard. If you like a particular performer, search that person in youtube to explore other composers. Do likewise for your favorite composers as a way to find new performers.

Bach - Prelude in C Major (~2 min)

A simple expression of harmony, which is the first movement in a much larger work called the “Well-Tempered Clavier”. It is undeniably one of the most famous and influential pieces of music ever, and its recording is currently being broadcasted in interstellar space as part of the voyager record. If you are a beginner piano player, you should learn to play this. I spent 2 days working through it when I was in my early twenties and it was one of the most thrilling experiences I have ever had.

Chopin - Ballade No 1 (~10 min)

Dizzying and dreamlike. Vladamir Horowitz’s interpretation is one of a kind, but it’s difficult to find a high quality recording of it, so if you’re looking for something a little cleaner, try Krystian Zimerman’s recordings which are flawless.

Chopin - Nocturne Op 9 No 2 (~4 min)

Instantly recognizable, and hopefully not just because of it’s use in commercials.

Bach Partita No 1 (~11 min)

Bach wrote 6 partitas for the harpsichord (the modern piano did not exist in Bach’s time). They are all relatively short, unstructured works that have multiple movements. Numbers 1, 2 and 6 (listed below) are my favorites, and I almost always listen to Glenn Gould’s recordings.

Bach Partita No 6 Toccata (~6 min)

This is a great introduction to “counterpoint”, the discipline of having multiple harmonies exist simultaneously as distinct melodies and as contributing parts of a whole.

Debussy - Clair de Lune (~5 min)

Most will recognize this from Ocean’s 11 and Ocean’s 13. It’s a beautiful piece for the solo piano written by the French composer Debussy. It is the most modern piece (late 1800’s) on this list.

Schubert - Impromptu No 3 (~7 min)

A haunting piece for the solo piano.

Beethoven - Violin Concerto in D Major (~45 min)

This violin concerto will convince you of the importance of repetition in music. Beethoven brings the same themes back again and again with small variations that produce tiny thrills each time. It is the longest piece on this list, and I am not a proponent of classical music being something you listen to in the background because it sounds “nice”, so I would recommend starting with the 1st movement (~25 min).

Mozart - Symphony No. 25 in G Minor (~20 min)

This is a great introduction to symphony. Mozart has many of these worth exploring.  

Beethoven Violin Romance in F Major (~8 min)

Mostly light in cheerful, but with some minor key parts that will give you goosebumps, this is a short piece written for a solo violin performer accompanied by string orchestra. The recording in the link is by German-Italian violinist Augustin Hadelich, accompanied by the German Radio Philharmonic.

Bach Piano Concerto No. 7, 2nd Movement (~6 min)

Written for the harpsichord, all three movements are relatively short for a concerto. It is worth listening to in its entirety, but I’d like to highlight the slower “Andante” movement which starts at 3:56 in the link.